There’s nothing more paralyzing, intoxicating, and worse than having the person we love the most hate us. We question our worth and value in the relationship. And believe that the relationship is living it’s last days. In this article, we are going to be discussing just that. Why does your boyfriend hate you? And why it might not be as much of a big deal as you believe.
Before diving in and bombarding you with a ton of information. Let me first give you the straight answer on “why your boyfriend may hate you”
- He is acting like he hates but he actually likes you.
- Doesn’t feel heard or understood in the relationship.
- He is going through some hardships, and you keep expecting too much from him
- Doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore
- You may be misinterpreting his anger for being busy.
- We all have different attatchment levels in our relationship
- He is not mad. You are just letting past insecurities get to you
- He is a misogynist
Hate is a very big word, and you should not instantly label it. There is a 70% probability that he doesn’t actually hate you and it’s mainly because of something else. Stick around and continue on reading, because I’m going to go in more depth on the reasons, as well as what you can do about it.
1) Acting as If He Hates You. But He Actually Love You
He acts as if he hates you, But he actually loves you. Some guys play this game of pushing girls away and acting distant. These guys like to have power over you, they will make you upset and distant. Because they know you will think of him more and will chase him more.
Have you heard the term, “play hard to get?” Well just like this very famous psychological term, when your boyfriend is acting distant and mean to you, it could definitely mean that he loves you, but he’s trying to get you to chase and think of him more.
You may be saying to yourself that: “The whole play hard to get the thing is old and it doesn’t actually work”. Well, I’m not going to argue. I’m going to leave your answer to Science. A Scientific study showed that ‘playing hard to get actually works.
The study conducted showed that making the chase harder increased a potential mate’s desirability.
They discovered that immediately reciprocating another person’s interest may not be the smartest strategy for attracting mates.
People who are too easy to attract may be perceived as more desperate. As that makes them seem less valuable and appealing – than those who do not make their romantic interest apparent right away.”
He likes you and he knows you like him too. Sometimes, he’ll argue with you and even give you the eye. The fact is that you may not even realize this, but the reason why you might like him so much is that he acts distant and mean to you.
He’s acting that way because he knows, acting as if he doesn’t like you is one of the biggest reasons why you love him and care about your relationship with him so much.
He knows the more distant he acts towards you the more you’ll chase him and think about him.
It’s not just a game he plays to keep you more interested in him. It’s actually a game that you subconsciously play with him as well. It is just a very subtle fact that women like guys that are harder to get.
What to if he’s acting like he hates you?
The best tactic is to not go back to him or to entertain his games. Most girls when rejected by a guy they like a lot will act insecure and seek validation from him.
Don’t even budge. Get rid of your insecurity or act like you are not insecure. You are more than just games. Don’t go back to him if he acts as he hates you.
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2) He Doesn’t Feel Heard In The Relationship
Just as some of us find resentment and hate when talking to our parents because we can’t express what we really want and how we want things, could also be the same for your boyfriend towards you. What behaviors are you showing him? Are being bossy and sensitive on how things in the house and in the relationship should be? If you answered yes, he could be resenting you because of it.
If you remember in your 20s, most of you will remember how your parents would set curfews for you when you had to get home, on what you should and should not be doing and what to study, and how perfect your grades had to be.
Eventually, living with your parents around the age of 22 would be like a prison. You had no freedom and right to speak on what you thought or believed in. It was either their way or the highway.
This feeling of imprisonment would eventually break you down and slowly and slowly you would start to hate living and talking to them.
So this is more like the situation you are involving your boyfriend in. You could be setting your own rules in the relationship, without really considering his thoughts. or you might set boundaries on how long he hangs out with his friends and so on.
Thereafter, he would start to distance himself from you. Because he’s scared to be heard, he’s scared to say something and you would just reject his words.
What to do when he’s not feeling heard or understood?
He still loves you, even though he might distance himself from you. There is a reason that he is still with you even through all the uneasiness he has.
If you don’t want him to hate you anymore, you should make sure to change your approach to how you talk with him in the relationship.
It’s very simple. Get him involved, talk with him more openly and let him know that he is in a safe place and that you’re not going to shoot down his ideas and opinions.
3) Is Going Through Hardships. And You Keep Going On His Case
Sometimes when a man is going through hardships in life or is encountering some difficulties, he’s not going to act very intimately or passionate with you. Don’t take it as hate or withdrawal. What will make a man hate you in this situation, is when you keep questioning his love and passion for you.
There is this well-known fact in relationships, that when a woman is quiet in the car with her boyfriend, it’s mostly because she’s mad or upset at him.
For guys on the other hand, when we are quiet, it usually doesn’t mean anything. It means that we are possibly thinking of something else like work, gym, video games, and so on.
What to do when he’s going through hardships?
Sometimes when a man is going through hardships in life or is encountering some difficulties, he’s not going to act sweet and compassionate.
He may be trying to show up in his own world, putting and effort into his work and life. The only thing he needs from you is to be on his side of the fence and to support him.
If you are going to be on his case by asking him questions like: Why are you like this? Why are you so quiet? Why don’t you buy me flowers anymore? He’s going to become more withdrawn from you.
This is a phase he is going through; cut him slack, and be on the same side of the fence as him
4) He Want’s To Break Up With You
Most men aren’t going to come up to you and tell you that they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Instead, they’ll show and do things to make you upset. Such as spending less time with you, having less sex or never complimenting you anymore, and comparing you to other women.
The fear of long-term relationships might be one reason he wants to break up. Long-term relationships can be too much for some guys. Because they might fear the future in either distance, marriage, or just providing a life for you.
Another reason why he might want to break up is that he’s not happy in the relationship. Although the relationship may be perfect. Some guys just miss the freedom of being single and partying wild.
It is hard for a guy to just end things. So when a guy becomes discontent in the relationship, he will do a couple of things to distance himself from you and to get away from the relationship. This may come off as hate, but he’s trying to break up things.
- Hes not intimate with you anymore: Most guys are very physical and sexual. If he’s pulling away from having sex with you it means he doesnt love you anymore
- Not compimenting you: He’s not putting you on a pedestal and telling you how amazing you are anymore
- Compares you to other women: He compliments, and tells you how these other women are amazing, and that he wishes you to have their hair, height, style.
- He hangs out with his friends more: He’s not making time for you anymore, he always want to hang out with the boys.
- Works for longer hours: He will stay and work longer hours in the office to create distance between himself and you.
- Rude to you: He doesn’t care about your feelings. He will dimiss you when you are talking with him, or he would disvalue you and put you down emotionailly.
What to do when he wants to break up?
An honest conversation works best. Talk to him and ask him these questions.
- Hey (boyfriend name) I feel like things in the relationship havn’t been the same, is there something wrong? You know you can tell me anything. Because I’m really in pain not knowing what’s going on
- Hey (boyfriends name) do you love me? It’s that, you’ve been acting distant and different around me. Is there something wrong? Please tell me if you don’t want to be with me anymore. Because i’m not feeling well on what is going on.
5) You May Be Misintreprating His Anger For Being Busy
In relationships and friendships, there are routines and regularities to the frequency of hangouts and the types of activities you do together. When those patterns are disrupted, an alarm fires in the brain signaling disconnect. You are going to think to yourself that maybe he’s drifting away from you, but in reality, he’s just busy with work or some new activity.
When we lack clarity over the status of our friendships, or we are unsure of our spouse’s intentions behind their comments or actions, we project rejection onto that vagueness.
You can sometimes incorrectly cast meaning onto an unanswered text message and internalize it as a sign of a doomed relationship.
What to do?
The best thing to do is to be more involved with your boyfriend’s daily life. Understand that someone can’t just hate you or create distance.
Talk to him, see how things are at work. if he needs anything, and if there’s anything he would like to talk about.
6) Different Attatchement Levels In Relationships
Some people grow up thinking that having a partner means, that they should be hanging out and talking every second of the day. While others believe that a relationship should be about people maintaining their individuality while being there for each other. Hence when one partner’s beliefs in a relationship are different, there could be discontent from the other partner.
From an early age, we all develop certain patterns, behaviors, beliefs, and approaches to relationships.
What to do when you have different attatchment needs?
Realizing that we all have different sensitivity levels of attachment when it comes to relationships can help you determine if your partner is drifting away from you. Or if it’s just that your boyfriend has different levels of attachment and needs.
7) You Are Letting Past Insecurities Get To You
Past relationships can affect how we approach our current relationship. It can really depend on how your last relationship ended. Your last relationship may have been great but ended because of a long-distance relationship. And the other one may have been abusive and full of trust issues. We are left with the scars of our past in relationships.
Let give you an example of me and my girlfriend:
I met my girlfriend in the summer in Iran, I was with her from morning till night. A few months later my best guy friend comes, needless to say, we hung out often, even maybe with some of his friends which were boys and girls. There was this sense of worry I got from my girlfriend when I wasn’t with her all the time and hanging out with my guy friend or even talking slightly with a girl. Her worries got so much, that we got in arguments, sometimes about where I am, who I am with, and so on.
I sensed a lot of insecurity. I talked to her about it and she indirectly told me how her ex was. How he would go for days and never answer her calls and how he would flirt with other girls in front of her.
My girlfriend’s past relationship was filled with trust issues, lying, cheating, and deceiving. She was afraid to lose me like that as well. So your boyfriend may not hang out with you much or not text you much, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he hates you.
It could mean, he’s out with a friend. he’s busier at work or he’s having family and work issues.
What to do when you are insecure?
Past relationships can inform us on how we approach current ones. But we can also use history to our advantage to help explain why we are concerned about the status of our relationship.
By reflecting on the past, enables us to pinpoint the source of our fears and to feel confident knowing history doesn’t have to repeat itself
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8) He Is a Misogynist
A misogynist is a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women. He might not even know that he hates women, but because he is attracted to women he will end up in a relationship with you. And soon as you get to know him more, you’ll realize that he has this very dark secret about him, that he may have not even known about.
If you’ve ever been in a situation before where a guy was charming in the beginning and now it’s like he’s throwing shade at you in every chance he gets, let me start off by telling you that it has nothing to do with you.
Unless if you’re behaving differently or treating him poorly. that’ll be a different story which I had covered back in points two and three. But if you’ve essentially stayed the same person, he might be in the small percentage of men that hate women.
Misogynistic behavior is about hostility towards women who violate male privileged systems in society. Such as that a man is supposed to lead the family, church, business, and so on. It’s hate towards women that ‘aren’t serving male interest in the way that they’re expected to’.
How to find out if he is a misogynist.
- He’s a saint for a second and suddenly he turns into a sinner the other second. He will be all flirtatious, fun and charismatic at first, becuse that’s how he’ll make you drop your guard and be a bit more vulnerable. As time goes, he will begin to reveal his jerk side. He may change form irresistable to a jerk in instances at a time.
- He’s not the type of man to “make love”. He’ll avoid any instances of pleasuring you orally or by looking into your eyes when you’re having sex. He wants to have full control over you in the bedroom and pay no attention to your sexual wants.
- Not being a commited man. Monogamy and being commited is the last thing he would want to give a women. He will cheat with women he’s dating or in a relationship with.
- Control freak. Misogynists believe that they are, and should be in control of the relationship. From dictating what you wear, to the time you have dinner and who you can and can’t see from your friends. With dating a control freak, you have to give up more and more of your seperate experiences, seperate activities and friends
- Yells and threatens you: When you don’t understand him or you do something wrong, he get’s upset, sulks, threatens, whithhold intimacy and money.
- He will try to distance you from the group of your girl friends. Have you ever noticed that after a couple times of meeting your friends , he’ll try to tell you very subtly to avoid seeing them anymore? This may seem like he just wants more time with you. But the truth is that misogynist hate women and they see women as sinners and beneath them.
- He may be with you, but that doesn’t mean he is equal to you. He is still a man, he wants to have intimacy with women. But he see’s all women as beneath him.
What to do when dating a misogynist?
A misogynist can be the cause of all your problems. They will think of themselves as better than you and will hate and resent you every time you do something monumental.
It is best to break off the relationship when you are with a misogynist.
At one point or the other you’re going to end up asking yourself in the relationship; Why does my boyfriend hate me? So many of us in the moments of stress, pressure, or frustration start to second guess how much our spouse loves us, it might even feel like he hates us.
I’m here to emphasize with you and tell you that you’re not alone. Being caught in this predicament in a relationship can really have a bad effect on anyone, even for guys, we question ourselves and second guess our values, sex appeal, and what we can do in the relationship to make them happy.
When someone hates us we fall into this endless loop of questioning everything. Our mindset can change like a flick of a switch.
When someone hates us, we change into the insecurity and fear mindset; when this happens we need constant reassurance that everything will be alright and that the relationship or marriage isn’t in jeopardy.
Acting uncertain, unworthy and clingy can risk pushing your boyfriend further away from you.
An example: Just like how people are drawn in charismatic and confident people, we can also be drawn away by a lack of self-esteem and confidence in someone.
“Don’t approach this problem with feelings of insecurity. When we are faced with such a mental threat we should make sure to come back to ourselves and to get rid of all the anxiety and fear”.
Once we are grounded emotionally, we should look at the broader picture of how he’s showing you he hates you.