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Relationships are fun and beautiful. But relationships being only “fun” is way out of context. Being in a relationship means commitment and unconditional love. I think most of you know the deal when you get in a relationship, but what if your girlfriend keeps putting you down and tries to constantly start drama?
I’m talking about, why does she keep bringing up the past?
When women bring up the past it is not because of what you have done at the present moment. It’s an interpretation, fear, concern of what could be going on at the present moment. She remembers the past because she’s afraid to be hurt again. So she’ll bring up the past to feel reassured that she’s not going to get hurt again.
Although this is the most likely case that she brings up in the past, it is not the full case. Sometimes she may bring up the past in order to have dominance over you or she’s losing interest in you; Read on to understand why she is doing this? And what you can do about it.
Why Does She Keep Bringing Up The Past?
Everything seems to be going well, you feel connected and everything’s good, but then she brings up moments from the past which cause her to feel upset or maybe lash out at you. So you are left scratching your head on what just happened?
It can all turn dark and uncertain when your girlfriend keeps bringing up the past. The conditions and reasons for her behavior may be even more alarming. In order to fight and keep the relationship alive, we must be able to understand why she is doing this?
1) She doesnt love you anymore
While couples get on each other’s nerves here and there, constant criticism can have a greater underlying purpose in your relationship
If she keeps saying; “What wrong with you?”. “Why are you like this?”. “You keep doing the same thing all the time”. It means that your partner doesn’t have unconditional positive love for you.
When your girlfriend constantly has something to criticize or something negative to say about you, it most likely means that she has some very negative emotions in her about you. Such as; she hates you, she’s losing respect and love for you.
Other signs of when she doesn’t love you anymore include:
- Keeping score during arguments
- She lives in the past
- Turns against you when you don’t agree
- Blames you when things go wrong
2) Insecurity in the relationship
She’s missing something in the relationship that she so desperately needs to feel satisfied in the relationship. Or it’s something which you have done, that has hurt her before. And she’s still not completely over it.
These reasons are endless, but some examples of insecurities in the relationship are:
- Flirting with a girl
- You talk about work related things with your female co-worker
- You Cheated once
- Got in a big argument with your girlfriend before
- You said something you shouldn’t have said.
There can be a reason or multiple reasons all in one. I’ve said this and I’ll say this again, girls are very good at overthinking things. You might think she’s fine about a certain situation because, well she looks fine, and she says “I’m fine”. But that is far from the truth.
So, eventually, her insecurities build up till she explodes with anger pointed at you.
3) You didn’t reassure her
Reassurance is very important. Especially because girls can overthink. Whatever you’ve done to make her mad in the past, she’s not so simply going to forget.
It is in your power to make her feel like she has an empathetic and present ear. This will make the difference on; how much longer she continues this? And how often she keeps bringing up the past?
Her complaints may anger you, and you may just want to get it over with. But she’s going to notice that you’re not present at the moment. Hence it’ll just make her more frustrated towards you.
You may suddenly be shocked at her reaction in a situation that seems very harmless. Don’t think her reaction is because of what just happened. It is her interpretation, fear, and concern of what could be going on in the moment due to the pain and hurt, she experienced with you in the past.
4) You took what she said too personally the last time
Don’t feed the fire! Girls are much more emotional than men. So when she brings up the past with anger and frustration, it is your job as a man to remain unfazed and relaxed in the situation.
It is one of the hardest things to do sometimes. As guys, we can take what our girl says very personally and sometimes we reply with aggression and anger, which will furthermore escalate the argument. Plus she’ll lose respect for you
For women, the thing that makes a man attractive is his ability to remain calm and composed while under stress and emotional attack.
When you can remain calm and solve her issues gently and assertively, she’ll calm down more and learn to respect you in the future.
5) She’s trying to dominate you in the relationship
When she gets mad at you, she’ll find something, anything to be angry about. When she’s looking for ammunition there’s a whole history to be mined.
Usually done by narcissistic behavior, people like this will usually put you down, to make themselves feel right in the situation or put you down because they aren’t feeling too good about themselves.
About 1 in 200 people have narcissistic behavior. Find out here the 9 signs you’re dating a narcissist
6) The problems in the past weren’t fully fixed
Whether it be moving far away, or that you did something to hurt her in the relationship. Talks and communication are needed to soothe her worries and reassure her that you are there for her.
When talks end up being about Who’s right? What’s right? Besides being about deepening your understanding of each other in the situation, you will have lost the ability to fix anything in the relationship.
This problem may be building up in the back of her mind. And she’s about to lose it. Because you were unwilling or unable to talk to her properly through those problems. Hence she’s going to lose it, and lash out at you by bringing it up from the past.
Make sure you talk to your woman and get a better understanding of what she wants and her concerns. Talk to her, listen, and assure her that everything will be alright.
Toxic relationships can sometimes be hard to spot. Here’s an article that will help you spot if you are in one.
Is Bringing Up The Past Healthy In a Relationship?
What’s the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship when bringing up the past? Humans have very good memories, we will all remember if someone has done bad to us in the relationship. The difference between a healthy and toxic relationship is the approach to dealing with being hurt.
It is not healthy to keep bringing up the past in the relationship, It is toxic and narcissistic. In a healthy relationship when we get hurt or remember getting hurt, it will lead us to have different expectations of the person, or maybe we see it in the context to forgive and try to let it go.
In a toxic relationship, if anything happens, you get hit with your sins of the past. They’ll bring up your disappointments, failures and will never let you forget your mistakes.
In a healthy relationship, they don’t weaponize the sins of the past, instead, they are informed by getting hurt and approach it in a calm and conflict resolution manner.
What Do You Do When Your Partner Brings Up The Past?
“Forgave” doesn’t equate to forgetting. When you’ve hurt your girlfriend, it can be a very long process for her to forget about it and to leave it completely in the past.
There are three things you can do when your partner brings up the past.
She’s hurt from what happened in the past and she is afraid to get hurt again, the best thing to do is to listen to her and reassure her that you are here for her. If she’s just mentioning the past because she wants to put you down, then it is best to have a calm and direct conversation about the effect her behavior is having on you.
Tip 1: Reassure her that you are here for her
There is fear and pain when she brings up the past. You want to make her feel reassured that she’s not going to get hurt anymore.
When it comes to reassuring her, you have to make sure that you are present and listening to her very closely. That’s all that is needed, assuring her that you’re here for her.
Now this may happen often, and I totally understand that it can be very frustrating. But don’t let your anger and frustration make you sit still for the storm to pass.
You need to be present and listen to her. Anything besides that, and you’ll just make her more upset, Because girls can notice the lack of attention.
Tip 2: Make her aware that she is hurting you
Girls will often flip out and say something to you, which may seem hurtful and directed at only you. But girls are just more emotional than men, so it may be something totally external from your relationship that has gotten her to act like this.
I’ve seen many men become aggressively DEFENSIVE when talking to their girlfriends. The girl would flip out and rant about something, and the guy would reply with “what’s your problem?” “don’t raise your voice at me”. “what the hell did I do to you?”
Answering back and fighting for your justice, will just feed the flame more. Try to de-escalate the situation as much as possible. Don’t be reactive to her anger, instead, try to remain cool and composed.
In order to fix or de-escalate the situation, you must be able to communicate in the right way to her. Say this to her:
- “What’s wrong baby”?
- “Im here for you, what do you need”?
- “I am aware that you are mad me, but I am getting hurt by the way your talking to me. Im always here for you, how can we fix this”?
- “I recognize you’re hurt, so take all the time you need, and I’ll be here when you can stand me again.”
- “Whatever happened, I know it was my fault. What can I do to make it up to you?”
Tip 3: She’s not the one for you
Bringing up the past because of past trauma caused by you in the relationship is normal. But other times she’ll maybe go overboard. She will bring up the past because she feels vulnerable, mad, hurt and she wants you to feel the same thing. It makes her feel better to try to hurt you.
These can be sometimes seen as narcissistic behaviors in the relationship. When a partner uses your past mistakes against you.
If this constantly happens, you need to consider your emotional well-being in the relationship. And consider when it is time to say “enough is enough!”
Conclusion
How did you hurt your girlfriend?
- Did You hurt her once?
- Did you cheat?
- You blew your life savings
- You went to jail
- Use violence against her
Think about the last time you were hurt by someone, whenever we are reminded of it, it brings back the pain and makes our stomachs turn.
As humans we have great memories, we remember everything that was done to us. Especially when it is a negative thing done by the closest person to us.
When it comes to women, they are by nature more emotional.
So you got to make sure you know how to interact with women to keep her in love with you. You must understand the difference between a relationship in which you should keep fighting for, and the one you should let go of.
| Bringing Up The Past In a Healthy Relationship | Bringing Up The Past In a Toxic Relationship | What Do You Do When Your Partner Brings Up The Past? |
|---|---|---|
| In a healthy relationship, they don’t weaponize the sins of the past, instead, they are informed by getting hurt and approach it with a calm and conflict resolution manner. | In a toxic relationship, if anything happens, you get hit with your sins of the past. They’ll bring up your disappointments, failures and will never let you forget your mistakes | 1) Reassure her that you’re there for her. |
| 2) If she hurting you, communicate to her in a calm manner | ||
| 3) Move on |
“If she can’t forgive past mitakes or errors, the bright future ahead of you becomes dark”
Hey guys! my name is Farid Babajan and I’m the co-founder of relationshipwhatsup.com. Around 5 years ago I came out of a relationship which I wasn’t too happy about. Afterward, I decided to start kicking ass in life and in relationships. Getting to understand people around me better as well as myself. This has allowed me to share with you all my knowledge on Love, Romance as well as complications and problems in relationships.