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“One True Love”, Is the biggest lie we have been fed since we were small. Believing that a marriage secures your happily ever after may come to you as a disappointment because you are suddenly so distant from your wife and you’ve found love in someone else. What’s the reason? And is it wrong for two people that are married to love someone else?
So we start off with the question. What do I do, if I love her but we are both married?
It may be tempting to chase this newfound love, just because it feels so great and exciting, but before you do, try to assess your marriage, think of why you decided to commit to one person? Leave no stones unturned, bring back the passion, and fight for the marriage, before you take your next big step.
Don’t rush anywhere yet. Marriages are a complicated thing, and there are storms we’ve got to get through sometimes. Continue on reading to learn more about your newfound love and how and why it has happened, plus ways you could ignite the relationship with your spouse again.
Is It Wrong To Fall In Love After Marriage?
“Forever love”. The truest desire of many people in the world. From songs, books, and movies we are surrounded by finding our “one true love, forever till death does us part”. Commitment and marriage may not seem so hard in the beginning, but when time and life take full presence everything can suddenly change.
Suddenly it feels like we have drifted apart from our partners and there is a knock, a desire that has spontaneously presented itself. It is love for another person. You may feel amazing and have a deep love for this new person, but deep down you wonder if something is wrong.
The Truth is that falling in love with another person is totally normal and not wrong at all. It doesn’t matter if you have been in a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage, finding love in another person even if it is outside your marriage is somewhat fated.
You can absolutely fall in love with more than one person. It is crazy to see that it isn’t a possibility when we live in a world of more than 7 billion people. There’s a chance of finding someone more attractive, more humorous, and more loving than your spouse.
Why did you fall in love with someone outside your marriage?
Being in a long-term marriage can really pull you down at times and it can drain you. From what I’ve gathered from marriages is that people lose their spark and passion together.
The chase and admiration for each other fade away, because both partners are too focused on their goals, children. These external things can make someone totally forget about their one true love, and putting in consistent effort for them.
You have to flower the plant consistently. Once it stops, the plant starts to slowely wither away.
So due to the lack of attention, love, and effort, another person may fill up that spot. You might feel like “Nobody has ever loved me like this before, they understand me so well as no one ever has”
You are in love with the crazy attention, love, and feelings. And I understand, you’re probably saying to yourself that, no one will understand these feelings that you are feeling.
“It is inevitable to find someone else that you love more than your spouse. But it is up to you to decide what actions you should take on this new found love”
The 3 Paths You May Take, If You Love Someone Else
1) You End The Affair Or The Connection
No matter how good it feels to be loved and connected you can’t comprehend that you’ll break a promise and give up so simply on your spouse. You go with your moral and ethical beliefs and you know the difference between short-term gratification and long-term orientations.
2) Leave Marriage For New Lover
You’ve got to really think about this one. Why are you leaving? Is it to follow your heart and live happily ever after? Try to assess your current marriage, were there some big cracks and holes in it?
You need to really consider why you choose to leave. Don’t decide through emotions, wait a bit and decide logically. Think about your marriage. Who you’ll be hurting? And if by any chance if current marriage could be saved or salvaged, fight for it.
3) Have An Affair And Keep It a Secret From Your Spouse
First hand that’s doomed to fail badly. You may feel like you can pull it off and balance it all out. And you may for a while, but eventually, things could end up really bad and complicated.
What could go wrong?
- Your spouse finds out. And things could get really dramatic such as heartbreaks and fights. Especially if you have kids.
- Your new lover asks you to make a dicision on who you choose to be with.
If you have been involved in an affair, and don’t know if you should keep it a secret or not, I highly recommend you to read this blog
What To Do When You Love Someone Outside Marriage?
“Follow your heart in love”. I apologize if I’m bombarding you with all these cliche sayings, but that’s love for you. One says you should “follow you’re heart” and the other says you should be “committed till death parts you”. Is there a right answer? What should you actually do when it comes to finding happiness in love?
Marriages and long-term commitments can become difficult due to the loss of communication and affection, eventually, it would feel like you are roommates with your spouse and not a married romantic couple.
There is no right or wrong answer on what you should do when it comes to deciding if you should stay with your spouse or ride away with your lover.
Unless if you are in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, you should get the hell out of there – If you want a really detailed explanation on toxic relationships, read this blog.
I believe a marriage is a promise and a commitment you have made. Before any major decisions are made on this, you should stick to your marriage and try to reignite the passion and love again.
Think, Short Term Gratification and Long Term Orientation
Before you make any major decisions on what you want and what is right. You have to take a step back and forget about what your heart is telling you. Get in your head and think logically.
Short Term Gratification: It is easy to fall into this hole. We all have, especially me, short-term gratifications feel so good and relieving. But stop, think of what’s right and what you actually want?
Long Term Orientation: What do you want? Long-term orientation is what we are striving for in the future. It is long-term gratification. Think about why you decided to commit to one person? And are you willing to give up everything for moments of pleasure and fun, to lose everything you believed in and fought for in your future?
Below I have mentioned the reason why people decide to get married. Think about these, don’t forget why you decided to commit and marry. Click here to go to the source from pewresearch.
- Love – 93%
- Making life long commitment – 87%
- Companionship – 81%
- Having children – 59%
- Financail stability – 31%
How To Reignite The Marriage?
Relationships and marriages all have their ups and downs. There are rainy days and storms in every city, just like life, relationships go through their turbulence as well. It’s impossible to be in a relationship or marriage without some issues or problems. But do problems and issues mean that it is the end of the relationship?
Having fights and disagreements doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It just means you have to ignite the spark within the relationship again. Here I will mention how you could reintroduce the spark again as well as some daily habits to apply in order to reintroduce the spark.
1) Appreciation
Enjoy and recognize the qualities of your partner. When was the last time you really appreciated your partner for even the smallest things they had done? Once the relationship becomes routine and it settles, we forget and stop doing the stuff we were doing at the beginning of the relationship.
- Make small gestures seem big and show her how much you love her by words of admiration or small gifts.
- Get her opinion on a thing you’re planning to do. Get her opinion on what you are going to wear. These small questions can make her feel good and needed.
2) Date Nights
So you are settled in, that doesn’t mean you should lessen your efforts in the relationship? You should work, put the effort into the relationship like you were in the beginning. Reintroduce romantic nights. Take her out, buy her a rose on the way back home.
It’s all about going back in time, during the time when you were fighting to have this woman in your life. Relive those moments again with her.
3) Physical Touch
Having physical touch helps us have a sense of comfort and well-being. And it may be one of the most important parts of a relationship, in reigniting the attraction. Physical touch can show her that you are still attracted to her.
Although it may seem a bit weird that you have become touchy and physical after a while, you should try to start off slow and work your way up, just like the initial stages of your dates with your spouse.
- Try to start of slow. Such as holding her hand when you are outside
4) Pillow Talk
Pillow talk is when you cozy up together in the bed and snuggle up while you talk about different things. It’s a great way to maintain high intimacy while you are communicating.
These are some of the most important things you should remember when fighting to keep your marriage alive and happy. There are some habits that are very helpful, and you should try to keep them in mind every day with your spouse.
Daily Love Habits To Have In Mind With Your Spouse
- Kiss your spouse 30 seconds everyday(affectionately). It doesn’t matter if you’re tired, mad or dont have time. Set it as a priority.
- Write a love note or text once a week. Attatch a cute picture and tell her how much you love her and how beatiful and awesome she is.
- Communicate and share everything. Talk, share your everyday life. Have your spouse to completly emerse in your life. Tell her what you did, who you talked to, and how you are feeling.
- Stop nagging. Constantly nagging doesn’t really do anything except waste your energy and create drama. If your partner is messy, you can’t change that, but you can change your attitude towards it.
Conclusion
Finding love once again is so great! isn’t it? While our love with our spouse settles down and becomes more normal, we lose sight of what love felt. Until we find it in someone else, It feels surreal, amazing, and galactic. You begin to ask yourself if this new person is the person you’re supposed to be with?
Here it is, commitment and love are not easy. We all are aware of the complications and struggles you may have to face if you got married. But many people forget about the truth of love and commitment because once they found their spouse, everything seemed so great in the beginning.
The Takeaway. When you love someone else besides your spouse?
1) Understand that you can fall in love with someone else.
2) Falling in love is not a sign from the universe that you should follow it. “We all have urges, but consider if it is a short term gratification, or if it will be helping your future”
3) If you’re thinking of leaving your spouse for your new lover, try to stop and think about why you got married? And what did the words ‘commitment’ and ‘marriage’ really mean to you?
4) Leave no stones unturned. Before you decide to have an affair, fight for your marriage. Reignite the spark.
5) To reignite the spark in your marriage, you have to do anything and everything you did first to win your spouse’s heart before you fell in love. (Date nights, holding hands, love texts, and more)
Hey guys! my name is Farid Babajan and I’m the co-founder of relationshipwhatsup.com. Around 5 years ago I came out of a relationship which I wasn’t too happy about. Afterward, I decided to start kicking ass in life and in relationships. Getting to understand people around me better as well as myself. This has allowed me to share with you all my knowledge on Love, Romance as well as complications and problems in relationships.