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The diamond ring on the finger and a everlasting love. Marriage sounds like a fairytale. But much like getting into your favorite university, getting married is just the beginning of the journey and challenges ahead. Here I will share with you 14 crucial tips to guarantee a happy marriage.
|1) Arguments are a normal part of marriages.|
|2) Control your expectations in marriage.|
|3) Getting married doesn’t mean that your spouse has to complete you.|
|4) Deal with your emotional baggage before you get married|
|5) Know the true worth of commitment in a marriage|
|6) Never forgot about gratitude and appreciation.|
|7) Needing space is not a bad thing.|
|8) Live for the moment.|
|9) Taking care of your health and fitness|
|10) Forgiveness is an essential element of a healthy marriage.|
|11) Being controlling is poisonous to the marriage.|
|12) Spend time quality time with each other.|
|13) Stop playing the blame game.|
|14) Put time and effort into intimacy|
“Till death do us part” – Doing justice to these words isn’t a cakewalk. But, here you are reading this article. You have taken your first step towards your happily ever marriage. Continue on reading as I’ll guide you through all the important principles that have helped me get through the hardest moments of my marriage.
1) Arguments Are a Normal Part Of Marriages.
Constant arguments are challenging. Especially when they are suddenly taking place in your marriage. When you leave the honeymoon phase and tip in the stress of making money or providing for your kids, things start playing in a different harsher melody.
Arguments will happen either way, but they are needed for a relationship to thrive. Setting up an open and honest communication system where you both share your emotions and feelings about the problem can help you fall more in tune with each other’s needs, wants, and concerns.
So, first and foremost, get rid of the belief that because you are a couple and married, you must always be on good terms.
Arguments are an inseparable part of the marriage, and they could be a way to recognize each other better. But, never underestimate the importance of learning the key to healthier communication.
Below I have provided some tips on having a healthy argument.
Related Post: What It Really Means When A Girl Fights With You
2) Control Your Expectations In The Marriage.
Expectations are defined as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case.” Marriage is wonderful and there is nothing wrong with thinking about the most extraordinary things. A great and positive mentality is a vital part of keeping a marriage healthy.
However, many people sometimes build expectations that are in comparison to Disney’s romantic fairytales. Marriage can be incredible but you can’t throw your head down and become hopeless whenever your partner does something wrong or when your life gets tough.
As you go through marriage, you will start noticing more and more the imperfections of your partner. Such as their indecisiveness, farting in their sleep, their laziness in doing house chores, and so on. But, these are all parts of what makes us human, and what bonds us closer together.
As the famous Robert Willams said:
“You are not perfect, and let me save you the suspense. This girl you have met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.“
3) Your Spouse Doesn’t Need To Complete You.
A poor mentality that has been passed on from generation to generation. It has become evident that many people get into relationships hoping that their partner will help them find their spark and happiness.
Her or his happiness isn’t supposed to be your responsibility. You both have to try to be happy individually. Then come together and share your happiness. Giving someone the obligation to make you happy when you can’t do it for yourself is selfish.
A quote that was shared by one of the most famous people in Hollywood. Will Smith, pushes the truth about our brainwashed society.
How do you expect someone else to come and complete you when you still can’t put your shit together.
4) Deal With Your Emotional Baggage Before You Get Married.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t count on your significant other in marriage. I see many men and women bring their emotional pain and emotional baggage into the marriage and expect each other to fix it.
Put all these past thoughts and feelings behind the door when you want to get into a marriage.
Don’t be like some couples that want to marry to get rid of past issues.
When it comes to a healthy marriage, some boundaries MUST be addressed. Let’s take a look at some of these boundaries:
- You need to make sure that you are mature enough for the marriage.
- Marriage is not the way to help you to get rid of emotional trauma. First, visit a therapist before marriage, when you want to deal with unpleasant memories from your previous relationships.
- Reset your mindset if you are still struggling with false beliefs. For example, some uneducated people recommend that you shouldn’t tell your partner “I love you” before he tells you. The false belief that men should always express feelings first. You need to get rid of all these false thoughts that you might have.
If you ever wished to have a lovely relationship, I recommend you read this article as it shows what expectations and standards you necessitate to have in a relationship with your significant other.
Related Post: Which Is The Most Beautiful Relationship In The World.”
It’s the beauty of every relationship that couples commit to each other. Love each other and never betray each other’s trust.
But what does real commitment look like in marriage? Commitment is not only about controlling your sexual desire and not sleeping with someone else out of wedlock. Let’s discuss the deeper meaning of commitment with a few examples.
- Stop flirting when you know it’s against the first rule of marriage.
- Don’t turn your eyes left and right in public to see girls who have bigger butts.
- Respect your girlfriend or boyfriend by not surrounding yourself too much with the opposite sex, when you know your significant other gets jealous when she/he sees you talking with the opposite sex.
Respect your partner and don’t mess around with her/his boundaries.
Now I want you to give me an honest answer.
How committed are you in your marriage?
6) Never Forget About Gratitude and Appreciation.
When I surveyed several divorced couples, I reached almost the same reason behind their divorce. I didn’t see appreciation in their marriage. At the beginning of the marriage, couples tend to thank each other for every tiny thing.
After a while, when the novelty wears off, the lack of appreciation appears. They take each other for granted and this is where the marriage becomes vulnerable.
- Appreciate the love of your life for moments when your partner listens to your words.
- For moments when your partner makes you smile.
- At times making you feel wanted.
- For hours your partner calms you in difficulties.
- Appreciate the time your partner makes you a cup of coffee after the heavy work.
No matter whether you are in a 6-month marriage or a 20-years marriage. If you don’t know how to pay attention to your significant other, you better learn it now, not even tomorrow.
7) Needing Space Is Not a Bad Thing.
“I need some personal space today” – Words that many couples go on the offense when they hear it. Your partner still loves you! Don’t correlate needing space and time as something threatening to your relationship.
Sometimes doing your own things can be extremely healthy for the marriage as time apart builds the anticipation to see one another again, and to share new stories of how their day went. It also allows for both partners to realize each other’s values and not take them for granted.
To further establish my point, the Journal of communication actually published that couples in long-distance have more meaningful interactions leading to higher levels of intimacy and happiness
How Much Alone Time Should You Invest In For a Happy Marriage?
There is no precise or perfect balance on how much time you need to dedicate for yourself and your spouse. The aim here is to at least spend some time alone, with friends, or pursuing other interests. Actually, couples struggle more with spending time apart than spending time with each other.
As I mentioned in the third tip. You are both responsible for your own happiness and you should come together to share that happiness with each other. It won’t help much if you spend all your time stuck in each other’s faces.
A good rule of thumb to follow is the 70/30 rule. Which is a rule advocated by most relationship professionals. The 70/30 rule has seen the most success in couples who are most harmonious and happiest.
So you spend 70% of your time with your partner and 30% of your time by yourself. This will allow efficient time to focus on your dreams and goals as well as help you to stay rooted and committed to the marriage.
Changing the usual habits of spending time with eachother can cause one partner to become defensive and threatned. If you tell your partner that “we should spend more time for oursleves”, they might take it that you are losing feelings for them.
Therefore it’s important to learn on how to address it when you want to tell your partner that spending time apart is not bad
8) Live For The Moment.
Remember back when you were living in your parent’s house? Dating was so easy, there was never the worry about how much money you needed to make or if you had to complete a certain assignment.
Moments of stress will always be there when we are adults. And it can feel as if we are losing time in life and becoming successful whenever we are doing anything besides raising our kids or concentrating on our professional careers.
Life seems short but it’s really not. Life is more than certificates and money. It is the people we meet who create everlasting memories with. Live life and enjoy even the smallest interaction you have with your wife or husband because you may never get back that time.
If you have any trouble dealing with constant thoughts of overthinking, here is a simple guide on how to live in the moment more.
- “If you live in the past you are going to be depressed because you are reliving moments that once happened to you.
- “If you are living in the future you are going to be anxious because you are anticipating what’s coming and making up false stories about what could happen
- “Being in the now is where you will find the most control and ease. The now is where the most happiness flourishes. That’s why the now is called a present”
- It doesn’t matter what has happened to you or what is going to happen. Happiness and being present are all in your thoughts and mindset.
- You are 100% in control of how you are thinking. You are not going to be in control of how you are feeling but you are always going to be in control of how you are thinking.
- The most powerful way to be in the moment is to put your thoughts in the present. The way you teach yourself to do that is, the moment you catch yourself being distracted or worried, ground yourself and shift back your thoughts to the present moment.
9) Taking Care Of Your Health and Fitness
I can’t stress enough the importance of well-being in marriage. It goes far beyond. It can turn off your husband/wife either sexually or mentally when you are out of shape.
I’m a 29-year-old guy who is knowledgeable, talented, working hard to get to my dreams, organized, and last but not least, committed to my relationship.
But I do have a pot belly which at times gets my girlfriend to disrespect me and lose sexual interest in me.
Why being healthy and fit is important for WOMEN in marriages?
What mainly attracts a man to a woman is her beauty and youth. Men are very visual when it comes to choosing women. Visual cues of youth and good health, like bright, clear skin, symmetrical features, and an hourglass shape.
Young women who are not married or aren’t in a committed relationship, focus on their looks and appearances more, because it is an evolutionary fact that men go after the most beautiful women.
So after getting married and having kids most women let off looking good because they feel as if their duties are done. They are set in life.
Hence most men will become discontent with their marriage because they have lost the attraction that led them to fall in love with their woman in the first place.
Why being healthy and fit is important for MEN in marriages?
Other searches on Google will sugarcoat it to you and tell you that woman looks for a man who is selfless and nice. The hard truth is that we somewhat know that women are highly attracted to men, who are leaders, driven, and of high status.
From an evolutionary standpoint, women are in search mostly of these men because these types of men are the ones that are able to supply them with the best life.
I know, there wasn’t any mention of fitness and physical appeal. But fitness and hitting the gym are associated with masculine drive and high status. A high-status man will not sit around and let his body to decompose.
Do you want to keep your wife happy and committed to you? Workout and be on your purpose to be the best version of yourself, and you’ll see what a difference it can make in your marriage.
“A Great Marriage, isn’t something you find. It’s something you build and have to keep working on“
10) Forgiveness Is an Essential Need For The Marriage.
“No marriage can survive without forgiveness” That’s a quote I heard in one of the podcasts while writing this article. But how doesn’t marriage work without forgiveness?
I take forgiveness in marriage to mean that couples should learn to forget each other’s little mistakes. I’m not talking about the red flags such as cheating, lying, etc.
I’m talking about small issues like your husband says something you don’t like, and a bit later, he apologized for that.
You get mad for a short time, but you’re gonna be ok when you see he understood his mistake. You don’t need to make a big deal about it. Close the topic right off the bat.
There is no need to review each other’s mistakes every day and keep them alive.
Mistakes are always there to occur. But what matters is that you dare to accept them and try to fix them.
11) Being Controlling Is Poisonous To The Marriage.
Did you know that control issues account for the 3rd highest frustrations people have in marriages? And 68% of unhappy couples stated that control in a relationship was an issue.
Controlling people mainly act out controlling out of anxiety. Because they fear that something will go wrong if they do not do something about it. Being controlling also comes from a lack of self-esteem and from traumatic past experiences.
Being controlling can be curved by understanding how it can make the other person feel and finding ways to reduce your anxiety level.
From experience, my girlfriend used to always act out controlling, because I used to text a girl whom I was doing a school project with.
The fear of being constantly nagged at and told off, turnt me off. And it sometimes even made me act low-key and private whenever I was texting or simply talking to a girl.
12) Spend Time With Each Other.
Nothing can be more enjoyable than the times you spend with each other. Surprise each other, like out of nowhere, plan to go to a picnic.
I’m overwhelmed with much work to do. I’m an entrepreneur and work almost 10 to 14 hours every day without even having time off. (Entrepreneurship is not as easy as you might think).
But that doesn’t mean I don’t have time for my wife. I take her out every weekend to the cafe or any charming restaurant she likes. Before I start writing this article, we set the plan to have a BBQ this Saturday night.
You don’t need to go crazy and spend thousands of dollars to make your significant other happy. Not at all, you can do several outdoor and indoor fun ideas on a budget.
The Secret To Spending Quality Time With Eachother.
Around a year ago I was always fascinated by how every couple who are super busy manage to still live a happier and more romantic life.
I found out that applying only one thing to any relationship or marriage can greatly improve and constantly keep both spouses happy forever.
- Reserve a special day out of the week where both you and your spouse are completely free, and arrange to spend the whole day together.
- Forget about the kids, the mortgage, or calling a friend. Arrange a nanny for the kids and spend the full day doing something fun, such as renting a hotel for the night. Going to the beach or going to a Mcdonald’s and stuffing down as much food as you can
- Go for a walk. Once the fun afternoon is over, plan to go for a walk outside. A brisk walk would always light up conversations with my partner. If there wouldn’t be anything to talk about we would just enjoy each other’s company.
- Physical intimacy. During the week you are mostly going to be tired and avoid any sexual activities. Every once a week, dedicate two to three hours of physical attention and sexual intimacy.
13) Stop Playing The Blame Game.
The blaming game is the easiest way to run away from the problem. It also shows the lack of accountability and honesty when someone blames his/her marriage partner for any tiny issue that happens in a marriage.
When something goes wrong, and you point the finger of blame at your partner, you are playing with the fire as blaming game destroys your relationship.
The foremost foundation of a high-quality marriage is about cultivating conversation and understanding each other after marriage.
If you struggle with the blaming game, I recommend breaking down the issue into this question.
“Where do we go from blaming each other? And what else can you do instead of blaming in marriage?”
Let’s dive into an Example of playing the blame game.
Poor Example: You get home from work and see your wife forgot to cook you lunch. You call her and start arguing about why she didn’t cook anything.
You don’t ask for the reason. The first thing that comes to your mind is to put down your partner and call her careless in a relationship: This approach in marriage doesn’t work and will result in an unhappy marriage in the end.
Good Example: The husband calls his wife and asks her calmly if she made any food for lunch or not. He knows that she didn’t make it, but he’s treating her politely.
He also asks her to let him know in advance if there is no food at home so he can order it from outside. Respect, accountability, caring, and conversation can be seen in the second scenario, and you can expect such couples like this to make the marriage last forever.
14) Develop Physical Intimacy In Your Marriage.
Sex and intimacy are like the bread and butter of a relationship and marriage. It’s the driver for humans to look their best and earn the best living they can.
In the pew research regarding what the most important thing to couples was in a relationship. Showed that sexual relationship at 70% was the second most important thing in a relationship right behind faithfulness which was at 90%.
Interestingly however a study conducted by surveys in America showed that all married people aged 18-60 reported not having sex for 3 months.
My research showed me that married couples tend to drift off to a sexless relationship mostly after the 10-year mark mainly due to household and financial responsibilities. Married couples become stagnate and live as if they are more roommates than intimate partners.
Can a sexless marriage survive?
Is it possible to have a sexless marriage? The straightforward answer is that a sexless marriage can last – but it will come at a cost. Lack of sex may lead to diminished closeness and connection, emotions of bitterness, and even infidelity if one spouse craves sex while the other does not.
How To Maintain and Develop Your Sexual Intimacy In Your Marriage?
Marriages settle down, meaning couples get comfortable with each and life can get extra boring and sexless for them. Marriage should be a full-blown-out journey of exploration together.
Sexless marriages often happen when both the husband and wife’s schedules are filled to the brim. Therefore, set just one day of the week for yourselves.
- This day is supposed to be dedicated to spending as much time with your partner and exploring new and exciting ways to have sex.
- Role play. Try different sex and oral sex positions. Light up candles and make intimate love.
- This day must be exciting, and you should be able to build the anticipation for this specific day. Send dirty texts from time to time to your spouse and share creative ideas on how you want to have sex on that day.
Frequently Asked Questions
1) What are the main foundation of marriage?
- Shared vulnerability
- Empathy and Understanding
“It’s not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages” – Friedrich Nietzche
2) What is God’s View On Marriage?
Many people today have this notion that marriage is a human construct that we’ve designed this idea, and we’re trying to make it work for better or worse. But I disagree. I believe that marriage is something that God created.
Marriage is something that he gave us as a gift. Family is a beautiful idea, and it’s not our idea. And he’s created men and women separately uniquely. And when they come together, they’re able to form a family and former home.
It goes back to the very beginning of the Bible when it says that “God created the whole world, and he created everything beautiful.”.
But everything is in order. It says a man and woman were created to represent him to be like him and ultimately to be in a relationship with him.
He put man and woman in charge, and he said, you will run this planet. And you know we’re supposed to be running this planet that we’ve actually made a mess of it.
So we were put in charge of a measure of responsibility that was given to man and woman over this planet.
3) Should a couple live with their parents?
The man shall leave his father and his mother. he will be bound with his wife and the two shall become one.
So as I said. Man shall leave his parents and be United to his wife. If you do not leave your father and mother. You cannot form a new home.
Unfortunately, we see a lot in many cultures that the man finds a young lady who wants to get married, and what do they do?
They bring her to his parent’s home. He’s married, but he’s still under the authority of his parents, and she becomes a slave of the house as she has no authority.
Specifically, this is one of the biggest problems. It MUST be a clear break between your parents’ home and the place you live with your wife after marriage.
This is why I can’t stress enough that the new family(After marriage) needs to be separated.
some couples decide to move to another country to be able to put some physical separation between them and their parents.
They prefer leaving their families because the family is constantly trying to interfere and causes many issues after marriage.
And that’s the biggest issue that people face in marriages because the foundation is not strong.
Marriage is not been established as a new home.
Young couples cannot become one and so to become one which is that the idea of marriage is to be bound to one another.
We continue to respect them, but they need to understand that this is a new family that needs to be independent.
Young married couples need Independency and privacy. And it will not happen unless you build a wall and boundaries to protect your family. That’s the first Foundation of marriage.
4) How Important Is Equality In a Marriage?
Couples require treating each other as equals and recognizing that each one has something to give to that marriage.
Binding Together is where you guys are equal after marriage. And for this, you know that trust is very crucial.
Unfortunately, I see a lot of marriages that are based on inequality. For example, the man is in complete control of the finances, and the woman has no control over that.
That’s not very fair, and that’s not either healthy act. Because the woman feels like she’s just a servant at home and has no right.
In many marriages, the man has complete freedom to do whatever he wants. He can go wherever he wants, but the woman cannot leave the house.
“The issue happens when young married couples are not treating each other fairly. You’re not treating each other as equals, and this is where we end up with sad marriages.“
Binding Together has to do with being able to trust each other enough to where you know you need to share everything.
- You share your finances.
- Sharing your time with each other.
- Working to unite together.
5) How do you show appreciation in a marriage?
You are going to be learning to listen to one another and appreciate each other after marriage.
The whole focus is on building this relationship up to eventually becomes a Central stop.
And not to see the marriage like many people from the Middle East that they get a marriage just like they get a refrigerator.
Many people lose interest after marriage and forget how strong they started this relationship. They closed their eyes to the reality that they put much time and effort into this process. I’m talking about the process of marriage.
Many people, particularly guys, will be very romantic and spend all their time on someone they fall for.
But it’s just the beginning. The feeling fades away after marriage. Because the man is confident he gets married to the woman he loves and now she’s his.
They never know. That interest can vanish either sexually or emotionally if you don’t nuture or care for it as you should.
6) What should I do immediately after marriage?
It’s significant to recognize that marriage is not automatic. The emotional and physical sexual connection naturally happens. But unfortunately, when we got there, you think you were done. But that’s just the beginning.
The journey just starts after the marriage. That’s just the beginning. Now you need to learn how to take care of this flower. That’s what marriage is.
Marriage is like a fire. If you started a great fire and you feel warm. You don’t just leave it and expect it keep you arm forever. You’ve got to keep feeding it the necessities for its survival such as wood and oxygen.
So these foundations are very vital. To learn to be bound and leave the previous relationships and to have the goal of becoming one.
You think maybe there’s something else you could have. People get married to the love of their life, and they’re excited. And everything is wonderful.
But a few months later you see another woman across the street. She’s pretty too. You wonder if she’s better. But just thinking like that you are ruining what you already have.
We see a man and a woman that are different but equal.
Psychologically we’re different. Women have some areas in which they’re much stronger than men, while men are stronger physically.
An apple is not better than an orange. They’re both fruits. They’re just different, and they have different tastes.
Understanding and recognizing our differences are significant.
There are problems in the modern age that we’re trying to erase all those differences trying to become like women and women like men.
Clearly, a man should sacrifice love for his wife. And the woman should willingly submit to her husband.
The man should seek officially love in his wife, and the woman should willingly submit to her husband. So these are beautiful things that we should appreciate for what they are.
Hello, I am Shahriar Minaee, and I am the co-founder of relationshipwhatsup.com. I am a self-development and Relationship Enthusiast. I currently live in Cyprus. Through experience, constant research, and development, I worked on understanding other people and myself better in romantic relationships.
I have learned and keep on learning about all the ins and outs of a relationship for both men and women. This site is where I share with you all that I have learned.